I've been an insomniac at least since high school. While my peers were staying up late and sleeping in until noon, I was just mostly always awake. In college my freshman roommate was certain she'd never actually seen me sleep. I would be writing a paper or doing research on my computer when she went to bed and when she woke, I was reading through a textbook or sketching......or likely eating.
I hated hearing from others, "You just don't need as much sleep as the rest of us," or "Wow, how lucky, you can be so much more productive." Neither of those statements were true. I was always tired, always thinking, and rarely doing as much as I could. I would try everything I could to help: herbal supplements, sleeping pills, meditation, yoga, exercise. Nothing seemed to help. And so I finally embraced it.
At night I would always have my best ideas. But by the time I finally got up to write them down, they had already slipped away. At night I was my most creative and witty, but nobody was ever awake to hear it. At night, I could be whoever I wanted to be and there was never a soul to judge me.
I remember taking walks at 3 am around campus in the deep fog. The lamps from the walkways shot beams of light through thick trees only to get lost in the mist. It was the best time of the day, or should I say, night. There was an eerie silence that was almost invigorating, I felt invincible, spectacular, as though I could do anything or be anyone. But then dusk would come and with it the sun and the light and the people. Everywhere there were people, hurrying to class, chatting with friends, debating with classmates, and again I was lost in the buzz.
Finally my roommate had enough. "When in your life have you slept well?" She asked on day. I thought for a bit and then remembering my most restful nights, I spoke out with excitement. "In the wild," I explained. Despite the elements, the cold, the hard, rocky ground, I always slept well when I was backpacking, miles away from any other human, surrounded by natures song. That night, I slept out on a grassy knoll behind the dorms. I slept incredible well, that is, until busy students nearly trampled me in the morning getting to the cafeteria.
Sadly I was not permitted to set up a tent on campus and since I lived in Portland, it didn't make much sense to sleep out in the rain.
Since that time, the only improvement I have found in the sleeping department has been when I was totally exhausted from being up with a crying or hungry child. I could immediately fall asleep after each feeding. Maybe motherhood would cure me from this sleepless fate. No such luck.
Perhaps that's why I try to imaging myself in the elements now while I lay in bed. Maybe it takes me back to the days when I could do anything, be anyone, in the wilderness of my life. With a small family I cant spend as much time in nature as I'd like. I can't even remember the last time I packed up my backpack and took of for days at a time. I don't resent my life now. I wouldn't trade my family for anything, but I do look forward to the day my girls are old enough to enjoy those adventures with me.
Until then, I will fill my mind with wide vistas of pines and rocky mountain tops. I will imagine skies filled with stars, I will capture the beauty of Gods creations in my mind and I will fall slowly and happily into my deepest sleep.
