what is beauty

Recent events have caused me to reflect on the idea of beauty as defined in our culture.  I have three little girls and more then anything, I want them to have a strong sense of self and KNOW that they are beautiful no matter what their size, shape, or abilities.  I want them to know that beauty is not defined by the media, but rather by their actions, their kindness and the strength of their character. I want them to make difficult but attainable goals and learn to reach for them.  I want them to be strong and resilient.  But as a woman who has struggled for so long with her own insecurities, I fear that I will be unable to teach them...

I haven't always been strong.  In fact, for years I was quite the opposite.  As a slightly overweight child (emphasis added), I would look at magazines and watch movies and think, "I wish I could look like that.  Too bad I'm so fat."  I was so wrapped up in this idea that I needed doe eyes and skinny waist.  Because I was so tall, I felt bigger then all my friends.  I was often overshadowed by my sister's incredible good looks.  Strangers would tell my parents how beautiful she was.  How could I ever live up to that?  I was even given the nickname Big C.  I didn't want anyone to know that it bothered me but inside I was degrading myself to nothing. 

As a sophomore in high school I discovered that there was something that I could do and I LOVED it.  HIKING!  My first backpacking trip changed me completely.  The first day of 10 was the hardest physical challenge I had faced up to that point in my life.  Each step was slow and calculated and wondered if I would even make it to camp.  But as each day passed, I became stronger and stronger (It helped that my pack was getting lighter from food consumption) and by the last two days, I was at the front of the pack.  I was hooked!

I made a conscience choice to get into shape.  I began running 5-6 miles a day.  I hiked and climbed while the weather was nice and come winter, I began snowshoeing and skiing.  I was strong and felt beautiful, not because of my size but because of my determination and confidence that I could be great. 

As I went into my Junior year, I began dealing with my stress and anxiety in a NOT SO HEALTHY way.  I began obsessing and controlling over physical things because I felt like everything else in my life was spiraling out of control.  I felt like the only three things I could control in my life were: grades, food, and exercise.  To make things worse, for the first time in my life people were telling me how beautiful I was, and how I was unrecognizable from my former self.  I felt an intense pressure to stay thin and before I knew it, I had dropped to 112 lbs (5'11").  <<<<YUCK

On a school winter back country trip in Colorado, some friends confronted me about everything.  How dare they!  I was strong.  I was the first one to camp!  I broke the trail while the seemingly stronger guys in our group couldn't!  There wasn't anything wrong with me!  My mental strength pushed through when my physical strength shouldn't have.  I refused to accept that I had a problem.

I was sent to the doctor for some shots for a trip to Peru and with weights in my pocket, I stepped onto the scale.  I was weak, unable to perform tasks that I could always do with ease. At that moment, I realized I had a problem and needed to make a change.

And so I did.  Each day was a struggle.  Each meal that I finished completely would physically and emotionally make me sick.  I spent many nights sobbing uncontrollably, wanting to vanish from existence.  Each day I got stronger.  The moments of frustration turned into moments of empowerment.  I rowed on the crew team my freshman year of college and ran cross country the next.  I started hiking and running and eating again.  But everyday was a struggle. Honestly, it still is.

My goal is no longer to be thin but to obtain strength and to do HARD things.  I have accepted that I will never naturally be as small as some but I can be just as strong, if not stronger!!!  I can run ultramarathons, and climb mountains!  I can stay up with a baby all night long and still manage to make it through the next day.  I can learn to be confident in myself, with my personality, with my passions.  I can make my friends, my husband, and my kids laugh.  I have learned to embrace my quirks instead of hide them.  I am ME and that is beautiful.

Do not hold yourself back!  As Marianne Williamson said, "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same."

That is what we must strive for.  Be brilliant, confident, and kind.  It is by our example that we teach our children.  Stop the cycle of negativity.  Stop demeaning yourself.  Just be you!  YOU are beautiful.   

Goodbye City Living

 I've always lived close to the city.  Starting in Elementary School, I would ride the bus to dance class, to Sugarhouse Park, and downtown to Crossroads Mall.  A grocery store was never more then half a mile from my home and I could easily get to any restaurant I wanted:  Indian, Thai, Mexican, Moroccan, Vietnamese, Italian.  On top of that, I have always been close to an international airport and really could go anywhere in the world. 

At the same time, I needed the outdoors close.  In the Salt Lake Valley my mom could put me on a bus to the ski resorts, only 10-30 min from my front door.  I could hike, bike, mountain climb and picnic in our beautiful mountains with little effort made on my part.  In Portland I had lucious green state parks in my backyard with miles of trails.  The coast, where I could enjoy walks on the beach and camp under giant coniferous trees and yet, I could go to the opera or symphony, enjoy good local music, and tour galleries filled with local and international art. 

So I suppose I always thought I'd live in the city....Best of both worlds. 

I can remember a conversation I had with a friend late one night while camping on the Green River about our dreams.  He had elaborate plans to travel throughout the world and through outer space.  He even wanted to die on Mars.  He asked me what my biggest dream was and after taking a few moments to think about it,  I realized that to him, and probably to many, my dream was quite ordinary and simple.  I pictured myself sitting on a giant porch watching my kids run through a massive lawn.  I pictured a few large trees blowing in the slight afternoon breeze and the smell of flowers overpowering my senses as I wiped the sweat off my forehead.  I amazed myself and I shared these feelings.  WHAT?!?!  I was only 23 at the time.  What happened to my plans to go back east  for law school,  spend my holidays with international travel, and a job in a New York high rise?   My friends reply couldn't be better, "I hope you can find a man who can give you everything you desire"

The older I got (which wasn't THAT old), I found myself being drawn to a more relaxed daily life.  I served a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints in Alaska and learned to love smaller town living.  I craved the solitude, the peace, and the night sky you can only experience away from the city lights.

A few years passed.  Brent and I were married and living in Portland and a job opportunity came up for him bringing us back to Salt Lake.  I tired to convince him that the commute wouldn't be too bad if we lived up the canyon in Oakley or Heber but to no avail.  We purchased our first home in Sandy and started our family. 

My desire to move out of the city grew stronger and stronger.  I was nervous about living on a busy road where my kids weren't safe to play in the front yard.  I was sick of our neighbors band practice:  Drums, bases and electrical guitars.  The smog in the summer and inversion in the winter made it impossible to run outside and I found myself depressed and longing to get away. 

After three years, Brent was out mowing the lawn and it finally hit him too.  He was finally ready to get out!  He had just finished his Masters of Real Estate Development at the University of Utah and had a friend from the program who was a realtor.  We decided to have him check out our house and see what needed to be done in order to put the home up for sale.  Two weeks later, our house was sold.

We faced a big problem at that point.  We had nowhere to move.  We'd been checking out homes around the Salt Lake and Kamas Valleys.  One Saturday morning, we met our realtor in Oakley and knew right away that the first home we entered was going to be the home we'd call home for a long time.  We went to a dozen or so more homes but nothing felt as good as that first.  The other homes may have been newer with nicer finishes but they just didn't feel right.  We put an offer in on the home and a month later moved out of the city and into the location of MY dreams. 

It's taken a few years but we've truly made this home our own! 

Lyla and Zoe playing in our back yard

Walking home from church

The road we live on

Backyard sunset 

It took a little time to adjust to living in a smaller town.  I had to plan ahead to do the shopping and eating out wasn't quite so easy, but in the end, it's saved us time and money.  I love the space, the sky, and the proximity to everything we could ever need.

Moving up to Oakley has been one of the great decisions Brent and I have ever made for our family.  The commute that seemed somewhat daunting for Brent at first, has become a time for him unwind after a long day: no traffic, no stop and go.  Winter days are clear, summer night are cool and we couldn't be happier. 

Does this mean that all my dreams have come true and I have nothing else to shoot for?  Of course not!  I still have places to go and goals to accomplish.  But,  I am living in the place of my dreams with the best family in the world and that's pretty awesome if you ask me! 

And then there were five...

The summer of 2013, I decided to train for my first 50 mile Ultra-marathon.  Most people thought I was crazy but I knew I was built for endurance so I figured I'd give it a try.  I ran my first Marathon in March and figured, "what's another 25 miles!"

I was worried about all the long runs that I would have to run solo but they ended up being the best runs of my training.  I hit my peak in Mid September and the following days and weeks brought nothing but troubles.  I had injured my foot, developed a sever sinus infection along with some other sicknesses, and thought, "There is no way I am going to finish!  I worked so hard and for what??"  I was feeling defeated and a little bit angry.  I had made sure my training didn't interfere with my family life.  My weekday runs were finished before anyone in my family was even awake and I was back from all of my long runs by 9 or 10am; barely infringing on mommy time.  Why now, would I have to deal with all of these problems?

As I was out in Dimple Dell Gully for a run, just a week before race day (I managed all of 5 miles), I had a little conversation with God that went something like this:

     "I have, my whole life, wanted to run an ultra marathon.  Please, if there is anything you can do, help me to have a strong race and finish!  I promise, I'll do whatever it is you have in store for me since you allowed me this opportunity to reach for one of my dreams!"

At that moment, I received an impression, clear as day, that I was going to have another baby.  WHAT!?!?  This cant be!  I loved my little family of 4 and had a difficult enough time handling the children I had, how could I possibly throw another one in the mix?

I chose not to share this little tidbit of information with my husband right away.....

The night before the race, was the first night in a long time I was finally able to breath.  After a failed attempt to tape my foot I figured, oh well, we'll see how it holds up.  I was well rested and ready to run.

The Pony Express 50 gave me 50 of the best race miles I had ever experienced!  I took my aunt Evelyns advise and ran STRONG and HAPPY! I had the best crew and the best family support anyone could ask for.

Pony Express (right before 30 miles to nowhere)

My Crew: JaNae, Anna, Me, Rachel and Tori

After things had settled, Brent and I had the "talk."  Apparently Brent had known for a long time that we were supposed to have another baby but wanted to wait until the right time.  I guess he finally built up the courage several weeks earlier and when he walked through the door the first words out of my mouth were, "We are DONE having kids!"  I guess it had been a particularly challenging day for me.... which isn't really unusual.  

Before we knew it,  I was pregnant and after 9 VERY LONG months, Nina came into our world, just two days shy of the year mark of that first 50 miler.   She has been such an amazing blessing!  I guess God knew what he was doing.  Maybe if I hadn't been injured I would never have been open to the direction to keep building our family.  Maybe I would have burned myself out and not been as strong as I needed to be to finish my race.  I guess we'll never really know.

Things seem to work out how they need to.  Is it always easy?  No.  In fact it is usually just plain hard.  It's the tender moments that get us through the challenges.  It's the smiles, the majestic mountain tops, the warm summer evenings on the patio and moments like this one:

Nina and Mommy in the hospital: October 2014

In the beggining...

So... I am completely new to this whole "blogger" world but I have had a few people ask if I ever write about my adventures.  Sadly, other then a long and fairly boring journal, my answer has been no.  I guess I am ready to try something new.

Back in the mid 90's....ouch, does that make me seem old???  I'm going to go with no....I found my passion for the great outdoors.  I began hiking, backpacking, rock climbing, some (very little) mountain biking, and gaining an overall appreciation for the great outdoors and the beautiful land God has given me.  Fast forward 20 years and my love for adventures remains but amid traveling the mountain and desert trails, I became engulfed in an even greater adventure....Motherhood!

Brent, Nina, Zoe and Lyla (pretty much the best ever)

Thats right folks, aren't they adorable.  3 GIRLS!!!  I always knew Heavenly Father had a great sense of humor :).  Brent's a total champ for hanging on for the ride. 

Another hobby of mine is running.  I am not the fastest or the strongest and I cant go as far as many, but I do love the escape running allows me.  It has been a refuge for me in times of high stress, helps clear my mind, and can be a fun social outing.  I decided to combine my love of the trails with my running and  I am loving it!  I guess that's me: Mother, Wife, runner, and appreciator of chocolate!

Top of Mt. Olympus April 2015