what is beauty

Recent events have caused me to reflect on the idea of beauty as defined in our culture.  I have three little girls and more then anything, I want them to have a strong sense of self and KNOW that they are beautiful no matter what their size, shape, or abilities.  I want them to know that beauty is not defined by the media, but rather by their actions, their kindness and the strength of their character. I want them to make difficult but attainable goals and learn to reach for them.  I want them to be strong and resilient.  But as a woman who has struggled for so long with her own insecurities, I fear that I will be unable to teach them...

I haven't always been strong.  In fact, for years I was quite the opposite.  As a slightly overweight child (emphasis added), I would look at magazines and watch movies and think, "I wish I could look like that.  Too bad I'm so fat."  I was so wrapped up in this idea that I needed doe eyes and skinny waist.  Because I was so tall, I felt bigger then all my friends.  I was often overshadowed by my sister's incredible good looks.  Strangers would tell my parents how beautiful she was.  How could I ever live up to that?  I was even given the nickname Big C.  I didn't want anyone to know that it bothered me but inside I was degrading myself to nothing. 

As a sophomore in high school I discovered that there was something that I could do and I LOVED it.  HIKING!  My first backpacking trip changed me completely.  The first day of 10 was the hardest physical challenge I had faced up to that point in my life.  Each step was slow and calculated and wondered if I would even make it to camp.  But as each day passed, I became stronger and stronger (It helped that my pack was getting lighter from food consumption) and by the last two days, I was at the front of the pack.  I was hooked!

I made a conscience choice to get into shape.  I began running 5-6 miles a day.  I hiked and climbed while the weather was nice and come winter, I began snowshoeing and skiing.  I was strong and felt beautiful, not because of my size but because of my determination and confidence that I could be great. 

As I went into my Junior year, I began dealing with my stress and anxiety in a NOT SO HEALTHY way.  I began obsessing and controlling over physical things because I felt like everything else in my life was spiraling out of control.  I felt like the only three things I could control in my life were: grades, food, and exercise.  To make things worse, for the first time in my life people were telling me how beautiful I was, and how I was unrecognizable from my former self.  I felt an intense pressure to stay thin and before I knew it, I had dropped to 112 lbs (5'11").  <<<<YUCK

On a school winter back country trip in Colorado, some friends confronted me about everything.  How dare they!  I was strong.  I was the first one to camp!  I broke the trail while the seemingly stronger guys in our group couldn't!  There wasn't anything wrong with me!  My mental strength pushed through when my physical strength shouldn't have.  I refused to accept that I had a problem.

I was sent to the doctor for some shots for a trip to Peru and with weights in my pocket, I stepped onto the scale.  I was weak, unable to perform tasks that I could always do with ease. At that moment, I realized I had a problem and needed to make a change.

And so I did.  Each day was a struggle.  Each meal that I finished completely would physically and emotionally make me sick.  I spent many nights sobbing uncontrollably, wanting to vanish from existence.  Each day I got stronger.  The moments of frustration turned into moments of empowerment.  I rowed on the crew team my freshman year of college and ran cross country the next.  I started hiking and running and eating again.  But everyday was a struggle. Honestly, it still is.

My goal is no longer to be thin but to obtain strength and to do HARD things.  I have accepted that I will never naturally be as small as some but I can be just as strong, if not stronger!!!  I can run ultramarathons, and climb mountains!  I can stay up with a baby all night long and still manage to make it through the next day.  I can learn to be confident in myself, with my personality, with my passions.  I can make my friends, my husband, and my kids laugh.  I have learned to embrace my quirks instead of hide them.  I am ME and that is beautiful.

Do not hold yourself back!  As Marianne Williamson said, "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same."

That is what we must strive for.  Be brilliant, confident, and kind.  It is by our example that we teach our children.  Stop the cycle of negativity.  Stop demeaning yourself.  Just be you!  YOU are beautiful.