I float away, like a bird, gazing down on my life. Three little girls giggle and I slowly fade into the background. I hold onto those moments. I remember...I must remember because tomorrow may be filled with screaming children, chaos, constant demands, and clutter filling my home and my mind. But if I wait to long to refill the cup, it becomes harder to reach out and grab the starry nights, almost impossible to find the peace, to find the reward. And so I must again search in the "higher" places in the world but not of the world.
It had been years since I had truly escaped into the mountains. What was once my first place of refuge became almost forgotten; a distant memory. I still felt passion for life. I was on a cloud for months after the birth of my first two children. The adrenaline and euphoria felt as I brought living, breathing life into the world kept me moving forward through sleepless nights and endless days. It was as though I was running as fast as I could and the only sound I could hear was that of my shallow breaths. But the mountains called to me and I finally had the courage to invite myself on an early morning run (aka power hike) up Mount Air.
Slowly, light filled the atmosphere and from the top of this very humble hill, the world seemed to expand farther then memory had served. My legs ached, trying to remember their place as they pushed forward. My heart beat, and my lungs expanded and I felt alive again, for the first time in a long time.
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| Ashley and Me: Mt. Aire PC Scott Wesemann |
I was home before 9 am. My children scarcely knew I was gone and all day I couldn't hold back a smile. What would usually set me off at home became trivial and I dealt with the situation with a certain ease.
I had to go back! I had to find another trail, another peak, a lake or flower. I wasn't fast. I'd had my third child 6 months prior and it seemed especially difficult to find my footings, but I was pushing forward. I hit several more peaks on my own in the early mornings but before long the rains set in and snow and ice covered the familiar paths. A month or so passed and the only dirt my feet hit was the half a mile it took to get to the end of my unpaved road.
I realized if I wanted to get out and feel that energy again, I had to go on my own. But it had been years since I had spent so much time up those gnarly paths. I'd lost my confidene. What if I took the wrong line down and got stuck? What if something happened to me. Nobody would know where I was.
I tried finding people who would go with me on my little adventures. I asked friends and family, but they preferred running on roads over trails or had commitments that would not allow for such an early start time. Due to my own social anxieties (I have a special set of quirks), I was afraid to reach out of my comfort zone and join in on group runs. I hadn't run over 18 miles since before I got pregnant a year and a half ago and didn't know if I had the endurance necessary to keep up with anyone. My once expansive knowledge of the mountains had dwindled into nothing and my speed.....don't even get me started on what happened there!
Finally, I mustered up the courage to join a group up a peak I hadn't touched in years and once again, I was home. Once again, I was able to find a peace of myself that had been lost in my commitment to others. I am a wife and a mother first and foremost, but that is not ALL that I am. I am not defined merely by my relationship to others. I am an artist, an athlete, a friend. I have a passion for music, for light and color, for simple beauty that is so often overlooked by others. I laugh at jokes that others don't necessarily find funny. I find myself sticking my foot in my mouth more then I should. I question things and ideas. I contemplate deeply. I am ruled by my heart. On these peaks and ridges those true parts of me are exposed and all fear escapes me. I feel a rush, I feel a calm, I am home.
Moses, Isaiah, Nephi, the brother of Jared, all went into the tops of the mountains to speak with God. To fill my Soul, I go there also, "And many people shall go and say, Come ye, and let us go up to the mountain of the Lord, to the house of the God of Jacob; and he will teach us of his ways, and we will walk in his paths" (Isaiah 2:3).
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| Mt. Olympus |
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| Mt. Nebo |
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